Is anybody else feeling the weight of February drag like I am? I am reaching the end of my love for winter and am already looking forward to the first signs of spring. I am so sick of being sick and I am longing for a warm(ish) breeze to come through cracked windows. To watch the snow melt and see the first happy tulips and little crocuses push up through the newly thawed earth. I wait for these signs from God that a new season is upon us but like everything else this happens only in God’s time and not when I want. I look to this Lenten season to ground me in my journey of waiting and more importantly, patience in my waiting. I read my daily Lenten devotional each day, read the Gospel of Matthew (sometimes only two minutes but sometimes that is all I need on that particular day and all life with three little ones allows) and I write in my journal and I try to celebrate each day as it is. I enjoy the sun, even if it’s freezing or find joy in watching my children play in the falling snow, even if I’m longing for flowers and lush grass instead. I try to bring signs of life and nature into my home with cut flowers and small potted plants and I let God work around me and just find the joy in it all. You have to be intentional in finding the joy and often it’s the most mundane actions that we find the joy but always God puts it there for us to find.
This week has definitely been an emotional one for me. Sunday marked 15 years since the passing of my mom. Last week I wrote a whole long essay about her cancer journey and my journey as her daughter and often caretaker and on my thoughts about the day she died and I never posted it. I spent time writing down every detail of that six month journey but in the end, I think it was just for me, it was therapeutic to write it down and that’s all I really needed. The most important thing is that 15 years ago on February 7, the most beautiful, caring, kind, loving woman with the most beautiful soul, who I was blessed enough to call ‘mama’ left this Earth to go to her Heavenly home. I’ve missed her every single day and not a day goes by when I don’t tell a story about “Grandma Carol” to my children. I could spend all day writing a list of everything I miss about her, the questions I would ask her if I could and all the things I’d show her but that time would be wasted time. Coulda-shoulda-woulda; this is my story, it was always going to be my story and I accept that. I accept God’s plan for my life and who I am because of this event in my life. But still, I miss her everyday and 15 years is mind-boggling.
The other major event this week was on February 9, my baby boy turned 1! I cannot even believe that a whole year has passed since my sweet boy joined our family. I’ve written several times on this blog about how much the birth of my son changed my life and my attitude...and everything but it’s just amazing how much one event can change you. I am still amazed by it. Part of me can’t believe it’s only been a year because I barely remember my family before the addition of my son and the other part of me has no idea where this year went, literally, where did the time go?! And, this is not my first rodeo, I have two other children, I know how fast time goes, I know how quickly the first year goes by, but this was exceptionally fast. And, wonderful. It has been one of the best years of my life -- different, challenging, scary even at times but overall just a wonderful year full of so much love. Love I didn’t even know I was capable of. Not just for my boy but for all my children and for my husband who I love more everyday, for so many things, but definitely because he is the best father any child could ask for and because he continues to prove day after day, year after year, that his family is number one and everything he does, he does for us. I don’t think the man has a selfish bone in his body! What an awesome example for my girls of what a husband should be and for my son of what kind of man to be! But, I digress, my baby boy has now left behind babyhood and is headed full steam into toddlerhood. He is walking, giving hugs and kisses, climbing, eating everything and beginning to talk a little more every day. His chubby little body has started to thin out save the cheeks, hands and feet (thank you God, the cheeks are just too good!). He’s just the coolest, happiest, most laid back person I have ever met. He reminds me so much of my mom at times and that makes my heart so happy to see her in this little person I love so much. I can’t wait for what lies ahead in the next year of his life. Thank you God for all you have done for me in my life. Wonderful or sad, I know you are good and your plan is perfect, even when we don’t see it. Lent is just around the corner. I know, what? Didn’t the Christmas decorations just come down? But in just a short time it will be the season of Lent in the church. Advent comes with it’s excitement of preparing for baby Jesus (and we all love babies!) and for Jesus to come again and the child-like giddiness of Christmas; Lent seems almost somber and disappointing in comparison but I have a fondness for Lent that is a more mature love than a child-like giddiness. To me, Lent is just the kind of quiet, reflective time that I need during this cold, winter-keeps-dragging-on time of year. We are spending these 40 days (46 counting the Sundays) reflecting on and gaining an understanding of the life and death of Jesus. In addition to understanding the life of this wonderful man, who is at once God and man, we use this time to strive to live more like him. We need this time to re-devout our lives to our goals of living like Jesus, with a deep trust and faith in God’s plan. That is what we are doing when we pick a Lenten Resolution. We aren’t just “giving up candy”, we are working towards a better version of ourselves that is more devoted to God, his church, his plan and his people especially those who really need our help. My sacrifice this year for Lent will be giving up potato chips. Now, even typing it, I feel silly because it seems petty but I really like potato chips, like, I even have a little anxiety writing it because it’s going to be really hard to do but that is the point of a sacrifice and also I know it will make a big impact on my giving because I buy chips on nearly every grocery shopping trip (okay, so obviously it’s more like an addiction, time to kick this). In addition to a sacrifice, I will also be adding a resolution to read my Bible everyday. Despite being raised by a devout Catholic and growing into one myself, I have never made time to just read the Bible and study it. I use the Bible often and read it for specific things and love exploring Scripture but I have never devoted time to read through an entire specific book and reflect on it. I think I will start with the Gospel of Matthew since it is my favorite Gospel and Lent is really a time to learn more about Jesus. And in continuing with my overall goal for simplicity...this is it. It may not seem like much on the outside but it will change me and will allow me to give to change others. What sacrifices are you making this Lenten season? How will these sacrifices change you in 46 days?
My word for 2016 is “simple”. My motto for 2016 is “finding joy in the ordinary”. And, just to put it out there, my prayer words are “ask and trust”. I’ve always struggled with spontaneous prayer. Of course, I’ve been able to recite the Our Father and Hail Mary since I was five but I’ve always had a hint of jealousy when a person can, especially in a group of people, call forth a prayer that is at once spiritual and practical. I always end up saying “ummm” a lot or tripping over my words that makes me, and I fear others, lose their focus on what we are really asking God for. When I pray to myself, just inside my head, I end up just doing something that sounds like begging which also bothers me because I feel like it makes me come off as ungrateful (which I am not, I’m so utterly grateful for all the amazing blessings God has given me) or just plain annoying (which I may be but I’m pretty sure God’s cool with that). But, as I get older, I’m trying hard to live with intention- specifically in my spiritual/religious life- and as I surround myself more with like-minded people and listen more to uplifting Christian music, I realize that, of course, God knows me better than I know myself because He is a good father and he sees me for who I am and for who I’m trying to grow to be and for who I am going to be and he is patient in my praying skills. He understands that it’s easier for me to have words flow from a pen than it is to have the words flow from my mouth. He understands that my prayers are often expressed better through songs than my own words. So, in keeping with my goals for 2016, when in prayer, I will keep it simple and find joy in even the most ordinary words I have to offer and I will have patience with myself when my asking looks more like begging and most importantly I will trust that what I ask for will be given to me in my time and in the way that I need the most that only God knows.
As I look at my three babies, one of whom is taking on new responsibilities like cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry, another who is developing a personality that is so her own it amazes me and yet another who is supposed to be a baby but is in actuality heading into toddlerhood so fast I wish I could stop time, I think about my love for them. This unstoppable, heart-aching, heart-breaking love that is so big and so full it’s almost painful at times. Love that seeps from every part of my being, it makes me laugh and cry, and it contains every emotion imaginable. Their hurt is my hurt and their joy becomes my joy and we are so interconnected that our moods and emotions seem to just swirl together and become one after only a few minutes together. If you are a parent, you understand what I mean when I try to describe that indescribable feeling; that feeling that even when you’ve had an awful day and everything those kids do drives you crazy, after five minutes of sleeping you miss them? I think of this feeling, this connection I have with these people who I grew for nine months and nourished for months following, and how good God is to allow us these feelings. This world, this place, is not our home. We know that. Home in Heaven with God is our home and yet, for a temporary stop, God makes this place pretty amazing for us. Not that we don’t struggle or lose our way or endure things we wish we didn’t have to but when we look at all that God gives us in this world which is just a temporary home - wow. So, today, my emotions are complicated but my prayer is simple. I just simply thank God for all that he gives us each day. For the beauty that is all around us and inside of us. Thank you God for the joy that is living and loving.
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Heather WA wife and mom working to live the life God intended for me. Archives
January 2016
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